"No Mommy! No! Need you Mommy!" Is the sound that is left ringing in my ears most workday mornings. This sound usually does not go away until after lunch. I am not quite sure if it is the satisfaction of a full tummy or if it's just that the voice gets dimmer as I am consumed with the activities and work of the day, but nonetheless the voice is there. Being a working mom is something I never thought would be difficult for me. I am not the type of person who likes staying at home, in fact, most of the time I prefer to be out doing things. I am a people person by nature and would choose to be surrounded by people most of the time. This quality can, at times, be frustrating for my husband who (although not completely the opposite) prefers to be at home and would rather spend time with just our family instead of with others. This is not to say that he does not enjoy others' company. He does. Just not in the same "all the time way" that I do. All of this to say that I never thought I would want to be a stay at home mom. It's amazing how much one tiny person can change your entire view of the world around you! And I am still not sure if I would want to be a stay at home mom...this is the dilemma! I feel trapped between two worlds.
It has been in the last year, and for some reason more intense the last few months, the sadness I feel when I have to drop my boy off to be in someone else's care for the day. Last night I laid in bed and had anxiety over the thought of the boy sitting at a table with 15 other kids eating his pb&j or balogne sandwich all alone...at least it feels like he's alone if he's not with me...in a robot like fashion. Here's the thing. I know he gets cared for. I know that he's not in danger. And I also know that I am INCREDIBLY lucky that I get to be right upstairs from him! I don't have to drop him off at 6 in the morning and then make a commute to work, as I know some single moms and fellow working moms have to do for survival. In many ways I am incredibly blessed. But I can't help but wonder if I'm making a mistake. And this makes me sad lately.
On the other hand, there are no words to explain the look of joy on the boy's face when I pick him up from school. The enormous smile that stretches from ear to ear and the shout of delight "MOMMY!" that erupts from his little body. So that is what I try to focus on as I struggle to get the morning cries out of my head. The guilt for leaving him in others' care not only during the week but then again on the weekend while I am there for services feels like a weight on my heart.
So now I have found myself in this place of sadness. I feel sad that I have to leave him and sad that I don't know what to do about it. I don't feel a peace about staying at home full time. And I know I am where God wants me to be...it's quite the dilemma!
I realize the morning cries will eventually stop. But will they stop because he isn't sad anymore? Or will they stop because he will be old enough to resolve in his head that he will be away from mommy and daddy during the day? These are questions I am not sure I want the answers to.
So to my sweet amazing boy...I am sorry if my working causes you emotional scarring one day. You're tough with strong muscles though, so I know you will get through it. I love you so much!