Tuesday, February 17, 2009

There is Sadness Sometimes in My Heart

"No Mommy! No! Need you Mommy!" Is the sound that is left ringing in my ears most workday mornings. This sound usually does not go away until after lunch. I am not quite sure if it is the satisfaction of a full tummy or if it's just that the voice gets dimmer as I am consumed with the activities and work of the day, but nonetheless the voice is there. Being a working mom is something I never thought would be difficult for me. I am not the type of person who likes staying at home, in fact, most of the time I prefer to be out doing things. I am a people person by nature and would choose to be surrounded by people most of the time. This quality can, at times, be frustrating for my husband who (although not completely the opposite) prefers to be at home and would rather spend time with just our family instead of with others. This is not to say that he does not enjoy others' company. He does. Just not in the same "all the time way" that I do. All of this to say that I never thought I would want to be a stay at home mom. It's amazing how much one tiny person can change your entire view of the world around you! And I am still not sure if I would want to be a stay at home mom...this is the dilemma! I feel trapped between two worlds.

It has been in the last year, and for some reason more intense the last few months, the sadness I feel when I have to drop my boy off to be in someone else's care for the day. Last night I laid in bed and had anxiety over the thought of the boy sitting at a table with 15 other kids eating his pb&j or balogne sandwich all alone...at least it feels like he's alone if he's not with me...in a robot like fashion. Here's the thing. I know he gets cared for. I know that he's not in danger. And I also know that I am INCREDIBLY lucky that I get to be right upstairs from him! I don't have to drop him off at 6 in the morning and then make a commute to work, as I know some single moms and fellow working moms have to do for survival. In many ways I am incredibly blessed. But I can't help but wonder if I'm making a mistake. And this makes me sad lately.

On the other hand, there are no words to explain the look of joy on the boy's face when I pick him up from school. The enormous smile that stretches from ear to ear and the shout of delight "MOMMY!" that erupts from his little body. So that is what I try to focus on as I struggle to get the morning cries out of my head. The guilt for leaving him in others' care not only during the week but then again on the weekend while I am there for services feels like a weight on my heart.

So now I have found myself in this place of sadness. I feel sad that I have to leave him and sad that I don't know what to do about it. I don't feel a peace about staying at home full time. And I know I am where God wants me to be...it's quite the dilemma!

I realize the morning cries will eventually stop. But will they stop because he isn't sad anymore? Or will they stop because he will be old enough to resolve in his head that he will be away from mommy and daddy during the day? These are questions I am not sure I want the answers to.

So to my sweet amazing boy...I am sorry if my working causes you emotional scarring one day. You're tough with strong muscles though, so I know you will get through it. I love you so much!




  1. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this sadness right now. The life of a mom seems to be filled with so many "what ifs" and other questions we'll probably never know the exact right answer to. I'll pray God will give you a peace and whatever right answer He has for you and your family.

    On the reverse side I just had an epiphany last week. It seems many of the SAHM's I know (including myself) are sometimes complaining and trying to find ways to get a "break" from the kids, but I realized in just a little more than a year from now Myles will be in preschool and then regular school and I'll be waiting anxiously for that special time with him when he gets home. I'm just trying to enjoy every moment I have with each of them and appreciate the present more. Sorry for the LONG comment.

  2. Your blog today was very sad to me. I'm sorry you are having such a struggle with being a working Mom.

    Being a Mom is one of the toughest, but most fulfilling jobs on earth. Especially when you're a working Mom, it's an incredibly delicate balancing act. As a working Mom myself, I know how guilt can hover over you like a dark cloud on a gloomy day, because of the decisions you have had to make. To work, or not to work; to take the time to take care of yourself, or not, to spend some of your precious time with friends, or to devote all your time to your child and husband; these are the dilemmas of every woman.

    If you don't choose to live life and be
    up-beat about your decisions, you will end up being beat-up (guilt ridden) by them. Children are intuitive little creatures and they pick up on guilt. I believe they are more affected by our guilt and emotions, than they are by the decisions we have had to make.

    Take a chill pill and kill your guilt, take joy in the fact that your child is one floor below you and continue making the most of every moment you have together.

    You are an incredible Mom! Any thought you ever have that is contrary to that, is not from God. I had to work when you were young and you are not scarred from it. You had a great family life growing up, and because of the wonderful family life you have established, your son will grow up to be an emotionally healthy, well-balanced, loving adult (just like you) who didn't suffer because his Mom worked.

    I Love You!
    Your Mom

    Philippians 4:8