Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Almost Syndrome

Mommy, are we there yet? Almost
Mommy, is it time for a nap? Almost
Mommy, did I smack you across the face with my light saber? (sigh) ALMOST

The almost syndrome. Motherhood often finds itself at the mercy of the ALMOST. Equally at the mercy of the ALMOST are the children at the receiving end of the ALMOST. ALMOST. ALMOST. ALMOST. ALMOST. ALMOST. ALMOST. Did it stop sounding like a real word yet?

I sit here and think about how often I use the word almost. Last week for instance. I almost peed my pants when my husband and son returned from Walmart and I discovered that the boy had somehow managed to get past me wearing shorts and cowboy boots. Not that I have anything against either one. And let's be honest, he was going to Walmart. But...he also has a rash covering his entire body because he somehow contracted 5th disease. Yay! If someone's mother only ALMOST took their kid to school with 5th disease then my son wouldn't have contracted the crazy, red, splotchy looking disease. Stop staring at me! And my son! So help me! Phew. That felt good :)

I almost didn't eat that donut today. But I did.
I almost did not freak out when my air turned up to 74 today. But I did.
I almost did not watch the entire Samantha Who series on Netflix in two days. But I did.
I almost bought a basketball hoop at a garage sale for $25. But I didn't. Blurg you husband!

I've had an entire day of almosts before. It's not a pleasant kind of day. It's the kind of day where you almost get out the door on time, but one of the lovelies goes poop and you have to clean it off of you, their legs, their ankles, their back, their neck and their hands (because somehow in the clean up they managed to reach down and grab a handful of the wretched stuff)...making you 20 minutes late out the door. Shucks. ALMOST!

Then comes lunch. A blessed part of the day...usually. Until an appointment shows up and you don't get to eat until 2 at which point everyone has eaten without you, so you eat in your office by yourself. ALMOST!

And then work is over and you pick up your kids. You've planned ahead and have the meal all planned out. So you get home and start cooking. Everything is almost ready and the children start falling apart. The baby only had a half hour nap at school so he is grumpy and hungry and falls completely apart while you're trying to feed him pasta that he DOESN'T WANT TO EAT! So you give up and take him to bed. Meanwhile, your four year old (also tired and hungry) is falling apart because...actually, who knows why...and is sobbing in the bathroom. Also meanwhile, your husband is at the store because you almost remembered to buy bread for the dinner, but you didn't. So you have sent him out and are now regretting that decision because everyone has had a meltdown while you are just trying to feed your family a nice dinner. ALMOST.

ALMOST. Such an unpredictable word. And sometimes rude.
But it doesn't count if it's an ALMOST. So just declare a do-over and start again :)